I'm an American Citizen

It's official. On Sept. 1st, 2006 I became an American citizen. I no longer need to update the Immigration offices of my whereabouts, since they obviously have no clue where every legal alien lives. I no longer need to be concerned about the American federal government failing to communicate with itself. You see, this government suffers from a serious case of split personality. The immigration offices, nicknamed for this story - Amy, has no means of communication with the IRS, nicknamed here Ira. Amy and Ira are two personalities within the same body. But neither knows of each other's existence. Ira knows I live in Maryland, because I tell Ira every year where I live. This apparently, doesn't stop Amy from asking me repeatedly "so where do you live?"

Ira and Amy are each on its own very efficient entities. They have their own methods of doing things. Ira keeps an addressbook of all his friends. Amy...well, Amy is a bit of a scatter brain. She doesn't have an addressbook. She depends on other good hearted people to tell her every time they move. She's not nearly as stubborn as her alter-ego. She just assumes everyone has good intentions and will tell her when they move.

Amy is of course the victim of her own ways. When Sept. 11th happened, she was caught off guard because she had no idea where all her friends were. Ira knew. But because she doesn't know of Ira's existence she didn't ask him. So she did what she thought was best - ask all her legal friends to update their current address in her addressbook. She's innocent this way. She doesn't realise that those who have ill intentions for her will never do what she asks them nicely.

Ira is much smarter of course. Ira has his own methods of finding out what you're hiding from him.

Some of you probably caught on that one must approach Ira and Amy's parents and ask them what the deal is. Why can't the parents force these multiple personalities to communicate?

Ah, well...the parents are separated. Mr. & Mrs. Fed don't talk any more. After some outside intervention they came up with a brilliant idea called DHS. DHS is a psychiatric service that addresses multiple personalities and tries to find ways to make them communicate with each other.

So far it's been limited success. But that's where I come in. That's why I became a citizen. I want to help Amy and Ira and all the rest of the personalities that are being treated by DHS. I want them to realise that it really shouldn't be a separate $70 charge for every time I fill up a form with a government agency to get my finger prints processed. It should only take ONE TIME. One person can keep track of all finger prints and everyone else should go to that one person to ask for a verification. It would reduce the costs tremendously and improve on the efficiency all around. Nor should Amy have to rely on good natured people to update their addresses. Amy should have free access to Ira's records. They're the same freaking person, for pete's sake!

Yes, I'm a citizen, and I take this duty very seriously. Freedom of Speech and all.