The Alien

Question # 86: Name one benefit of being a citizen of the United States.
Answer # 86: Obtain federal government jobs...

Well, what better reason than that to apply for U.S. citizenship. So as I sat this morning in the trailer across a government agency building, bored to tears, and decided it was a perfect time to connect with my dial-up connection to U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services and figure out what miracles I need to perform in order to become a U.S. Citizen.

I e-filed the I-90 last week, to request a new Green Card since mine expires next week. This morning I downloaded the N-400 (N stands for Naturalization, and the I stands for Immigration). Sixteen pages later, plus a hundred sample questions from a citizenship exam, and I'm ready to spend my day filling in questions about myself that I had never really taken the time to give it second thought until today.

Within a couple of minutes I reached my first hurdle. There's a biometrics fee - $70 if you file the I-90. Strangely enough, there's a biometrics fee ($70) if you file in the N-400. So I think to myself, "Alright, it's fingerprints. It's electronic. It's with the USCIS agency. Do I really need to pay twice???" So I called them up. Care to guess what the Capitalistic government of the U.S.A. answered me? Yeah, no surprise there. Just a huge amount of frustration when I'm being treated like an idiot - "Well, of course you have to pay it twice. It's a different file!" I really wanted to answer her back with, "Well, no wonder your government is all screwed up, if they cannot keep one set of fingerprints for each terrorist in your database!" But I didn't want to be stripped off my citizenship before I even got it. So I kept my mouth shut.

Back to my N-400 form. Part 5.C. Weight: Hmmmm....okay, do I exaggarate to the top or to the bottom. Will I add 10lb or lose 10lb by the time the immigration officer sees me? Minor hurdle, I erred on the side of low. It's easier to explain gaining weight.

Part 5.G. Eye Color: Alright, what are my options? Brown - no; Blue - Yeah, I think so; Green - no ; Hazel - ok, what's this in Hebrew? ; Gray - is that a color?; Black - no ; Pink - ??!!! ; Maroon - ! ; Other - "I'm blind can't you see."

Part 7.A. How many total days did you spend outside of the United States during the past 5 years? You mean to tell me, that America's advanced technology hasn't reached a point where they can just look into their U.S. Customs database and at a click of a button get that information based on my departure and entry stamps? Yeah, I definitely need to get this citizenship so I can help this government develop better functioning databases.

Part 7.B. How many trips of 24 hours or more have you taken outside of the United States during the past 5 years? I would have told you if I had a passport that made sense. But for some reason, your agents keep stamping it either wrong way up or wrong side left. No matter how many times immigration officers encounter an Israeli passport, they still haven't figured out it opens from right to left. Needless to say, I have quite a few back pages stamped, a whole lot of empty in the center, and the mandatory Israeli entry stamps on the right side. Every so often someone gets smart and throws my passport in the air, and whatever page it falls on - they stamp it.

Part 7.C. List below all the trips of 24 hours or more that you have taken outside of the United States since becoming a Lawful Permanent Resident. You have GOT to be kidding me! I need to recall now all my trips spanned over two passports, in the past 10 years??? And if I forget one, will you deport me?

And now we reach the trick questions.
Part 8. Information About Your Marital History.
Part 8.G. How many times has your current spouse been married (including annulled marriages)? Umm...err....okay, 'been' as in 'before he married me'? or 'been' as in 'so far'? To be safe, I text message the question to my spouse. His reply: 1. Ok, fine - 1 it is. [Though after the third call to my spouse he declared right out, "you call me one more time with these silly questions, and you'll be writing 2 in this part!"]

Part 10.A.6. Do you have any title of nobility in any foreign country? No, but I'm dying to find out what this means for them. Do they get the red carpet treatment? Or the public flogging?

Part 10.B.8.a. Have you EVER been a member of or associated with any organization, association, fund, foundation, party, club, society, or similar group in the United States or in any other place? Well, according to all the junk mail I get I'm a member of a couple dozen associations and foundations just by default of paying $10 one time when I felt charitable. Does that count?

Part 10.B.9.c Have you EVER been a member of or in any way associated (either directly or indirectly) with: A terrorist organization? At this point I'd like to express my concern at the American government's method of finding terrorists. I'm just not too confident this will work. But hey, what the heck, I'll be a trooper and answer "no."

Part 10.B.11 Have you ever persecuted (either directly or indirectly) any person because of race, religion, national origin, membership in a particular social group, or political opinion? Now here's the thing, I didn't persecute anyone. But I definitely harrassed a couple of Israelis for holding a right-(read: wrong)-wing political view. Of course, this carries about zero relevance to your question, but I want you to know that I'm on the U.S.-side on this issue. DeSettle them all, I say.

Part 10.B.12. Between March 23, 1933 and May 8, 1945.... Okay, seriously folks, I just told you I was born decades later. You can't possibly hold me accountable for something my previous reincarnation had done. Can you?

Fun part is here:
Part 10. D. Good Moral Character. I should pass this with flying colours! Oh, sorry - colors (do I also need to learn how to spell and speak like Americans to pass this citizenship test?).

Part 10.D.22.a. Have you EVER been a habitual drunkard? Define habitual? And I'd like to report some friends who should be accused of "behaviour of unbecoming a citizen."
Part 10.D.22.b. Have you EVER been a prostitute, or procured anyone for prostitution? Bummer. The U.S. draws the line at prostitutes becoming citizens.

And now we're off to the most difficult part of this questionnaire. The Oath Requirements.
Part 10.H.35. Do you understand the full Oath of Allegiance to the United States? Yeah, yeah, get on with it.

Part 10.H.37. If the law requires it, are you willing to bear arms on behalf of the United States? WHOA! Now wait a minute. Hold on! NOW you ask me this??? Forget the other 16 pages. Stop the train, I'm getting off. This was all fun and entertaining. But this is serious shit here. You want me to do WHAT? Ummm...I have the right to maintain dual citizenship. This means I bear arms on behalf of Israel. If Congress decides to declare war against Israel, you're on your own. I'm not bearing no arms. You carry your own damn weapons.

Yup, I'll be a model citizen, I will. Just you wait.

Oh yeah, I forgot - there's still 100 questions to answer on the test. A good reason for a whole new post...