I have an idea

I was sitting in a restaurant with my husband when I realised there was absolutely no reason for me to freeze when it was fantastic weather outside. So I came up with a wonderful idea to help the environment, stop global warming, prevent the obesity epidemic, and increase Americans' savings accounts.

It is absolutely beautiful outside and finally warmer than freezing. Yet, inside restaurants are freezing their customers. This makes for a very uncomfortable setting to eat a meal. Especially for us thin people who have no extra fat to warm us up. Thing is, after the very long American winters, I don't see why we can't just enjoy the nice warm weather finally, and instead we continue to freeze the inside of all establishments and work places.


So I'm starting a new campaign. Increase the temperatures in restaurants by three degrees. No one will complain with just three degrees. It's hardly noticeable. Those who will complain are those who have too much fat on their bones already and are always sweating and hot. This will make it very uncomfortable for obese people to go eat in restaurants, and in essence will force them to start cooking at home. Now since the main reason they're going to restaurants is because they're too lazy to cook, then if they stay home they won't cook as much. As a result, they'll end up losing weight. When they become thin again, they won't suffer from the warmer restaurants anymore and will be able to enjoy life again.


The increase of temperatures in restaurants will bring more skinny people to these establishments, and we all know that skinny people eat like there's no tomorrow, yet disgustingly they still stay thin. Well now the restaurants won't be losing any money from the loss of obese clientele, and instead will gain a whole lot of very hungry skinny people.


But I'm not stopping with restaurants. Now we move on to the malls and other establishments. We raise the temperatures by just a little bit. Enough to make one heck of an impact on the excess usage of electricity in this country, but not enough to collapse the capitalism on which it's built. As a result we will have very slight differences of temperatures between the outside and the inside. Kids will grow up not really noticing much of a difference if they go outside, and consequently will decide to spend more time playing outside. Bonus: childhood obesity is halted with a brilliant plan of luring kids to play outside in the nice weather, which just happens to be very slightly different from the weather inside the mall.

Another small bonus: the obese people who typically sweat a lot, will sweat even more, therefore losing more pounds from a stay at the mall.

But let's not stop at the mall, we'll encourage people to reduce their usage of electricity by keeping the houses warmer just a tad bit. Show them the huge savings they make over a year by doing so. Maybe give them some incentives through the electricity companies for saving every year. Sort of like the incentives they give to commuters who opt to give rides to others. People will learn to save and not just money, but the global environment!

For those of you who think this post is anti-fat-people, you're wrong. It's not all about you. It's about me. Always is. I've had enough of suffering from being so thin and always cold. And I'm going to do something about it!

When my nephew was three years old, he'd get quite excited and turn a bit loud. His parents would guide him gently to lower his voice. He's a quick learner. One day his mom took him to shop for food and as they were standing in line, there was a mother and a small girl in front, and the girl was quite loud. My 3-year old nephew went over, tapped on her shoulder and said, "Turn it down a notch."

Well, in that spirit I will name my campaign "Turn it UP a notch!"