An International Conference

This past week I've been home alone. My husband was out of town last week and three weeks ago. This week he wasn't out of town, but he was definitely not home. He had an international conference to host in DC. Back in November (Thanksgiving) he attended a similar conference in Australia. This time they came here.

The international conference included delegates from US, Australia, Canada, UK and New Zealand.

Every single night this week they've invited him out for Happy Hour or dinner, and he'd come stumbling back home after 10pm.

He's out at Happy Hour today, as well.

As I enjoy my time alone, I've been surfing the blogs and trying to catch up with old posts, when I came across Colonel's post from this past weekend.

Since this post had several very funny jokes, I'll post the one I liked:


Last week we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well,"he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare and said, "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. Then I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you-know-what, we can pull "it" out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked, "After you get "it" out, how do you put "it" back?"

"Well," he explained, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."


I liked this so much that I decided to email it to my husband, knowing that he checks his crackberry every two minutes, and told him it's a good joke to share with his international friends at Happy Hour.


Half hour later, this is the response I got back from him:

They loved it. Had to explain that fly was a zip. Also had to translate that Australians do not know how to use a spoon, the UK does not know what a spoon is, and that the Canadians have outlawed spoons in the current healthcare system as drug paraphenelia.


Edit: My husband just got back home and asked me if I understood his response. I told him I don't understand why an English joke requires translation to English. He said, "we're five nations separated by a common language!"

Hurricane in DC

This has been an exciting week for me at work. Some of you may assume that any time a fictional hurricane hits DC must be very exciting, but actually that wasn't the reason why I had more fun than anyone should be allowed to have.

Last week we were told to be prepared to participate in a government wide exercise. We were told that an email will be sent out and if we don't respond within two hours, we will receive a phone call. I'm not sure whether I was just too busy to pay attention to the dates, or whether they decided to start it sooner, but I was taken by surprise when my employer called my house at 9pm on Monday.

I don't get phone calls from anyone that late, and most definitely not from my employer. So the first natural thought that ran into my mind was, "I still haven't finished my two projects, I'm about to be fired!" A couple of days later when I exchanged thoughts with a coworker who got the same call a few minutes after me, I found out that HIS initial thought was "oh, that's nice, she's calling to chat." Men!

When I answered the phone and she said, "this is a level 3 emergency," I stupidly answered, "what do you want me to do about it?" Thankfully, it didn't come out in those exact words, but I was definitely thinking that.

The following day was frantic all over. Upper management was attending emergency meetings throughout the day, and everyone was scrambling about doing everything possible to help them out by preparing different lists, presentations, etc. I did my share and helped when I could. The atmosphere was definitely intense for everyone.

Hey waitaminute, did I mention my contractor from hell? You all must be thinking, "ummm....yeah, but he was supposed to be done!" Well, he's not. Not only that, but since my post, he's hit the Gas Main (forgot to call Miss Utility), and revealed that they may not be done with my project by April 21st. (DUH! It's freaking May 2nd, I could figure it out by looking at my calendar and watching your construction trucks outside).

Ok, back to my hurricane level 2 (yes, we've progressed since the phone call on Monday. Hurricanes don't wait for anyone). So what comes into my inbox at 2:30pm, as my office and everyone is in a state of "emergency"?

Dear Project Manager,
We were just notified by the command center that we've lost power to the surveillance video camera on your building. The one that points to the guard gate. We launched an immediate investigation team and discovered that the power cable was cut off inside your building. WTF???
Sincerely,
Security

Honestly, they didn't add that word at the end, but the question marks were there.

I swear I was ready to jump out the window at this point. Like I needed one more stressor on top of everything else going on. So my first reaction was to notify my immediate management of the emergency. Of all the days that this could have happened, this was SO NOT the right time!!! How do you throw in a wrench in the middle of an exercise that constitutes a REAL emergency? My boss got into panic mode and immediately emailed upper management, who by the way, were already on the road escaping the "Hurricane." I told him he should have emailed them saying, "Hurricane blew off the surveillance camera off the guard gate." He didn't find this amusing. Mostly because someone ELSE was selected to throw in the wrench into the exercise, and he would have been crucified for taking this guy's role mid-exercise. I can't imagine how everyone would react in a real situation...

After I've had some time to rehash what happened, I realised that somewhere out there, sitting across the security cameras, mid-exercise, there's a guard who noticed the screen go blank, and I'm sure he must have assumed that this was part of the exercise. I can only imagine the look on his face when he realised this is for real!

On the third day of the much anticipated hurricane, all of upper management was gone. Just my coworker (federal) was left behind to run the place. He explained to me that the guy who throws the wrench into this exercise calls people throughout and kills them off ("you've just been killed in a car accident."..."hurricane just flooded your office and you have no computer or phone to communicate."). Well my coworker was eager to get killed so he can stop playing exercise and can get some work done. Every few hours, I'd shout over my cubicle, "Hey, you still alive???" He'd answer, "yes" and I'd respond with "I'm sorry to hear that!"

I love my job!


It was a beautiful sunny week through Wed. The hurricane exercise ended yesterday afternoon. And THAT's when the heavy rains began! The government has to improve on timing.

Overall grade: C- needs improvement.