Is no news good news?

Two doctor appointments yesterday concluded with referrals to three tests and three surgical procedures-in-one. They ruled out the simple reasons for my suffering (no surprise there) and now I'm left yet again with the lengthy process of figuring out what my problem is now and what is the best approach to treat it. Last time I started this path I ended up seeing an Oncologist at Johns Hopkins once every six weeks for a year because they suspected cancer. Sometimes I really wish it was cancer because at least the treatment for it is known and there's an end to it.

I hate living in the unknown. I hate waiting for results of tests. I hate taking time off work for all these tests, doctor visits and surgeries. I hate having to find time to make phone calls to doctors, billing offices, radiology centers, and insurance companies. I hate all the thinking and planning involved in coordinating different appointments and picking up the results. It's a frustrating process just to communicate with administrators about what shouldn't take so much effort, but thanks to the HIPPA laws takes an Act of God to get my own paperwork faxed to me.

I'm trying to push away any negative thoughts about the surgery (I am actually thrilled it's not the type of surgery that makes me suicidal). The surgeon did warn me about the risk involved in this surgery, and I asked him how many times he's caused it. He admitted to one time in his entire career. I told him I can live with that statistics. Literally. Only a couple of weeks ago someone who went through a similar procedure in the hospital where I typically go in Israel, died as a result of the procedure. Some patients suspect it's actually my own doctor who caused it. I've been defending her on message boards because I just don't feel it's right to blame doctors for what was not done purposefully or as a result of neglect. Surgeries do involve risks. Our bodies are not all the same and they're extremely delicate for all those surgical instruments.

So my time now is going to be 24/7 about my health, which means it's going to be very difficult to come up with something to write in my blog that doesn't relate to health. I really wanted to avoid using this blog for my whining and self-pity party. But when it's on my mind all the time, it's difficult to think of anything else. I'm not looking for supportive comments. Not looking for pity. Not looking for anyone feeling sorry for me. I just need to vent because sometimes life sucks. I know eventually I'll come out of this and it's a matter of time.

Fighting to stay above water

I've been sinking for quite some time now and have been trying to breathe through a snorkel without swallowing the water. Somehow when I reached five feet under I realised the snorkel isn't doing it for me anymore. A lifeline would be nice. A floatation device would be good. But no one would know I need it if I don't ask for it.

I have a husband. I have friends. I have family. I have a dog. But what if I don't feel like talking to them? What if I don't feel like reaching out for help? What if I don't want to hear all those pep talks - "it'll be better" or "you should do this or that"? No one will understand what I'm going through. Well, that's not entirely true. My mom would. But she would only understand. She wouldn't be able to help. No one can.

I have an appointment tomorrow with a surgeon. I already know what question I'll have to deal with. I've been putting it off for five years. Back then I told the surgeon "Absolutely not! If I can avoid this surgery for another five years then I've gained five years of happiness. I may get hit by a bus in the next five years, but at least I'll die happy." August 2006 marked the five year point. I wasn't hit by a bus (dog damn it!).

I can't deal with the thought of this surgery. I get suicidal every time I think of it. The only way I see myself going through it is if I have no choice, I'm unconscious and my husband has to make the decision. But the problem is that before I get unconscious - I'm suffering.

I want to believe that everything will be all right tomorrow. I want to believe the surgeon will never bring it up. I want to imagine that they find the source of my problems and it's nothing to do with my disease. I want to live in denial, for just 16 more hours.

Tomorrow I'll deal with the news. On my own. Because no one will ever understand what I'm going through.

I've tried to keep writing positive posts lately. I've tried to just write stupid stuff about my very boring daily life. Maybe I'll delete this post after I post it. But for now, it's staying. Nothing anyone can do to help me, but at least I feel better about posting what I feel right now.

Black Friday

I'm not a great believer in the American system of shopping. Cutting coupons on Sunday is a foreign idea to me. I just don't get it. Maybe because I grew up in a country that did not have the concept of coupons til the past couple of years.

You're being tempted to go shopping for something on sale, just to spend money that you wouldn't have spent to begin with if you didn't check out the coupons! The time and effort I see some people putting into cutting coupons just bewilders me. You're spending an hour cutting coupons to save you a few cents, when you could have worked that hour and earn several dollars.

I've lived here 14 years and only last year found out about Black Friday. The only reason I found out about it is because I accompanied my sister-in-laws in their shopping spree. I ended up finding memory cards for dirt cheap.

This year I decided to check up the newspapers for any special deals on black Friday because I was looking for something specific for my brother. A couple of months ago before I went to Israel he asked me to check out the price on a 4gb thumbdrive. It was $179. The black friday sale had it for $69. Well worth the price. I also found that a 1gb thumbdrive was for sale online at circuit city for $4 (yes, that's FOUR dollars!). So I bought a few - gifts for coworkers and a boss. As I was checking out the newspapers my sister-in-law called and asked if I minded buying a TV for her at Circuit City. For reasons I cannot elaborate just yet, I was willing to do it for her.

My husband and I woke up at 4am so we can make it to Circuit City by opening time at 5am.

Mistake #1.

Should have already been standing in line the day before!!! When we got there at 5am we were customer #200. Only 20 coupons were handed out for that TV. It was sold out before the doors even opened up. It would have been nice if they posted this at the front door, and prevented the waste of time for some of us.

So we rushed over to Staples which was due to be opened at 6am. We were #40 this time. I split the responsibilities between my husband and I - you get the SanDisk memory card, and I'll get the 4gb Thumbdrive.

Mistake # 2.

Husband suffers from the syndrome called "look, something shiny!" and gets easily distracted at anything concerning computers.

After 15 minutes, we were standing in line with fifty of our best friends at Staples. Friends we've made through an hour of standing outside in the cold. Through some negotiation skills we managed to come out of the store with 4 of the 4gb Thumbdrives (1 for my brother, and 2 extras for his friends and one for my husband - because he is tired of carrying 2 of them - 512 mb and 1 gb), and 3 of the 2gb SanDisk memory cards (1 for me, and two for my dad). Oh, and a 200gb hard drive, because it was for $20 and it was there. (I decided to pick my battles with my husband and didn't argue over this one).

Will I do this again next year? Only if I know that I need something. Otherwise, it's insane to be standing an hour outside in the freezing cold weather with a bunch of crazies looking for a good deal. Thankfully, the stores started to do the black friday sales on Thursday and online, so I avoided the stupid line for Circuit City.

I dread next weekend when it's time for me to shop for clothes. I hate shopping for clothes. And after last year's trauma, my sister-in-laws refused to join me this year again. Apparently, I don't buy what they think I should buy and it frustrates them. I hate shopping. I hate this season. I hate winter. I hate the holidays. Can't wait for January and February. Anniversary and a birthday - always a good thing to look forward to.

Thanksgiving

I wanted to wish everyone a wonderful and happy Thanksgiving and I hope you all have a very relaxing day with a Turkey.

As for me, today I'm thankful :

• That I still have a job.
• That it took me only three hours to get home from work yesterday, as opposed to the four hours it took my husband.
• That today I'm not surrounded by nephews, nieces and family-in-law drama and can actually relax at home quietly without any stress of being anywhere or cooking anything.
• That today I can catch up with work and concentrate on it without interruption.
• That I managed to schedule two doctors appointments for the same day next week and only have to take half a day off work for them.
• That my health has finally given in and the symptoms are severe enough where no one can make me wait a whole month before treating me or sending me for surgery.
• That I have my car scheduled for one-month-overdue maintenance tomorrow morning.
• That I have time to get up at 5am tomorrow and wait for Staples to open up so I can get some gifts for my brother and coworkers.
• That I work with the most awesome client in the world who takes about five minutes of her day to tell me how great I am.
• That I am married to my best friend who doesn't mind talking on the phone for two hours as we both are stuck in traffic.
• That we are getting closer to finding the perfect house and feeling optimistic about moving out of this hell hole within the next six months.
• That my computer is still at Best Buy (going on 3 weeks now), but they're on their third attempt to fix it and apparently even after they wiped out my hard drive and restored it to the way it was sold, the problem remains. If the service center can't fix it - I get a new computer!
• That I'm almost done with the book I'm reading for the past three months.
• That I still haven't given up on blogging.

Here's to a happy turkey day to everyone!

Worst Week at Work

Last week is in close competition for the worst week I've had in my career, right next to that week when I had to stick labels on pamphlets identifying our new address for the main office, and next to that week when I had to file papers that belong to my boss into boxes going into archives.

If there's anything I can't stand that's doing meaningless work that will benefit absolutely no one in future. Answering the phones ranks right up there. I absolutely detest answering the phones at an office. I did it as a temp worker when I got out of high school. Since then I cringe every time I hear the same phone ring. I hate filing. I have a two foot pile of paperwork to file at work since May 06 and I can't seem to get myself motivated to do anything about it.

But last week was different. Last week was the type of a nightmare related to actual work. So it's not that I'm complaining about having gone through it, but rather complaining about all the factors that led to it.

Poor planning on behalf of all the project managers involved in this project led to the day from hell for three of us who were stuck picking up the pieces of this failed project. My client demanded a recovery plan in writing by today from my boss or my company would have been thrown off the job. My boss's recovery plan involves getting rid of yet another manager and taking charge of the project himself.

I'm furious over everything that has been going on. I feel frustrated that everything I'm doing out on site is completely invisible to my superiors. They have no clue what I've accomplished in a short amount of time (one week), versus what was never accomplished in the three months that this project was under someone else's control.

I can complain about it in my blog, but what good does that do me?! I'm not the type who can go bragging to the boss about my accomplishments. Men do that more successfully. Women expect to be appreciated without them having to shout out what they've accomplished. That's just embarrassing! I don't engage in bragging. I hate doing it!

I think I'm going to work on my resume now. It requires some updating.

More about my job

Because I've been putting in 12-13 hour days at work, that's all I can think of, dream of, breathe and digest. While I am engaging in world war III level negotiations at work, I had to deal with one of the bigger morons in my company. I blind copied my friend on some exchanges with him that drove me up the wall. (Waving hi to said friend)

When my husband picked me up at the end of the day (that'd be 7pm), after a couple of beers, he says, "your friend emailed me and warned me about your email exchange with the moron in your company. So I went and had a couple of drinks first."

Ok, not entirely true story. I ended up calling my husband at 3pm and told him, "I'm having a bad day, don't pick me up after you finish work, go to happy hour. I'll call you when I'm done." My husband being a very obedient husband, in spite of it being Tuesday - went out to happy hour. Thankfully, he didn't even ask too many questions, because I was about ready to commit a crime if anyone got on my last nerve.

Which was just perfect so he could calmly listen to me venting and downloading all the events of the day.

Today, I drove on my own. I wasn't going to inconvenience my husband again. I got home at 9pm. I had a "wonderful" day. Absolutely freaking fantastic. I gave my boss a ride back to his car (40 minute drive) during which we both vented and decided how to fix this project that's heading downhill.

Actually, downhill is a very mild term. Let's just say that this morning the client came into my office and said, "I'm about to fire your company off this project!" At which point I picked up the phone to the boss and said, "get your ass out here!" (ok, not in these exact words, but he definitely got the message loud and clear and arrived within four hours).

Then we spent the rest of the day calmly planning the bright future of this project. Oh wait, no, that's not it. That's what I HOPED we'd be doing. No. Didn't happen that way. Instead, we spent the rest of the day putting out fires. It went from bad to worse in less than ten minutes!

Anything that COULD go wrong - went wrong. I think the only bright spot in my day was the fact that I actually did get to eat a sandwhich for lunch. Which is great, because I'm sitting and eating my dinner now (four slices of cheese).

Currently, we're about to send back another company employee back to the office (that'd be the third employee on this project sent away). Yesterday I got 80 emails, today I got 60. I didn't read any of them. I don't even know when I'll get to reading them and processing them. This project is only 10% of my job responsibilities, but has taken 140% of my time. The stress is killing me.

We sat with the client at 7pm devising a plan how to attack the future workload. My client is under the impression it's going to wind down. Funny, but she told me while I was in Israel that November we'll be winding down. Every time she tells me we'll be winding down, we're winding up. WTF!

Personal note to my friend: SS can shove the slides up his ass! Like I have fucking time to deal with him while the company is about to be fired off a project for poor management?!!!

The challenges of my job

I've tried not to discuss my job on this blog because I know people have gotten fired over things they wrote in their blogs about their job. But I don't think I'd get fired for writing this post. Or at least I hope I don't.

So here's a description of one of the four projects I'm managing (actually there are more than that, but I like only four of them).

Imagine a long garage. Attached to the garage is an office building. Five floors. Major rains fall down in June, and through some very poor construction, the office building is flooded inside. So the top management decides - "we'll replace the carpet." Building's occupancy is about 80%. There are no temporary offices to move the people to until carpet replacement is complete. The project manager from my company decides to phase it: move half the floor to one side, carpet it, move them back, and carpet the other side. For a couple of months she plans the phases, has the people's names on a spreadsheet, everything is ready to roll. Then in a class act of work ethics she resigns.

She leaves the work to my boss, who in turn tries to convince my client to let me manage this project. My client refuses to let me go because I am essential to the other projects. So my boss finds two other managers from another area office and sends them over. Then he hires a third for some night shifts. Within a couple of weeks, my client is absolutely furious over the mess of all the planning. But the client doesn't realise that this is the mess left over by the employee who resigned. The blame game begins, and one employee loses his position and sent back to the office. Meanwhile, I get pulled over to manage the project because it's not going well.

I'm getting tired of covering up for someone else's screw ups and never getting recognized for it. I'm tired of working in the background to get things done right and someone else getting the thank you for a job well done. Things will need to change and soon. Because dog damn it, I've had enough of working 12-14 hour days and if I see my co-workers taking one more day off and charging the company for work time, I swear I'm going to say something to them, because it pisses me off that I work so hard while they take time off.

If I Could

"If I Could" by SEAL

There's no reason for you to lose your mind,
Cause I've seen something,
That's gonna change our time.
If I could, I'd make you understand.
If I could, I'd make you understand.
Ah...
There's no hurry,
It's gonna come for sure,
Cause I know that someday,
We're gonna end our war.
If I could, I'd make you understand.
If I could, I'd make you understand.
Yes, I'd stand, and if I...I...
If I could I would now.
Oh my baby, oh baby...
And if I could, I'd make you understand.
If I could, then I'd make you understand.
There's no reason for you to lose your mind.
Cause I've seen something that's gonna change our time.
If I..... could if I..... could and if I..... could....
...If I could ...if I could if I could....
Oh oh, oh hoah whoah oh, oh oh oh, oh...
...if I...
If I could... If I could...
If I could... Woah, oh, oh, oh oh...
If I could I would now baby.
If I could I would.
I would...
If I could I would now.

Still looking

It's 8 months since I decided I want to move to a new house. Prices are finally going down. We're still looking. Today we spent all day driving around the area where we want to buy a house. We finally figured out the name of the style of houses we both like. It's called Contemporary. No surprise there. Only problem is that it's outside of our price range. We'll see, maybe prices will continue to go down. If they go down by $100K then we can afford what we want. But I know it's unrealistic to expect that to happen.

I hate this stress of not knowing when we're moving. I want to start packing the house. I want to start planning a move. I want to get out of my messy house. I'm tired of getting back home to a mess. A mess I can't find time to clean because I'm spending three hours driving to work and back every day.

My blog has become the most boring place to visit and read. I'm not even sure why some of you come by. Sheer curiosity if it can get any worse? Or the silly hope that it'll get better?

It reflects my mood swings and right now I'm in a serious slump. My health isn't all that great and my professional aspirations are on hold until we move to a new house. I hate living in the unknown. I like moving forward.

Holidays are coming and so is the winter - the things I hate most about living in the US. Holidays that mean nothing to me, and a winter that is unbearable to me. But I suppose it's a give and take in life. So I'll be quiet now and won't complain about living in America. I know, I know. I'm ungrateful right now. But I'm pretty much unhappy about everything, so it's not just America.

Anyone interested in a 10 year old chocolate lab? Free. With the leash. He's destroyed my bed this week. Either the bedsheet attacked him while he was sleeping, or there's a mouse under the bed that he had to find. Regardless, doggie is in the doghouse!

All by myself

Being a government employee my husband has today off. And since his sister celebrates her birthday on Veteran's Day (as she constantly has to remind my husband: "eleven, eleven, seventy seven!"), he went down to visit her and help her out with house work. I wonder what it'll take to get him to help his own wife with house work?

He'll be gone today and tomorrow. I asked him to take the dog with him. The dog is turning ten next month. It's amazing how he's got us tied to a schedule like a child would. So now that I get one day without having to rush back home to take the dog out, it feels so liberating!

Now I have a whole day without any stress of worrying about getting back home. It's been many years since I felt this way. I miss my early 20's. I really do. I just want to enjoy life and do what I want without having to answer to anyone where I am and what I'm doing, and without feeling bad about not getting back home on time.

I think I'm going to constitute a new rule in our house, where one weekend a year we both get our vacation from each other and from anyone else, so we can do what we like. Oh wait, my husband already has that freedom every time he goes playing with his Jeep. And I guess I sort of get that freedom when I take vacations overseas. But thing is - it's not a vacation if I still have to get back home.

Hmmm...I'll need to figure something out so it benefits ME. Yup, it's all about me.

At least today and tomorrow.

EDIT: I called up my friend and planned to go out with him for a drink. I left work, drove to his office, and then my husband called to say he's on his way home! I still went out for a drink, but at least I didn't get back to an empty home. That put life in persepective for me. I guess I can't really be on my own and be happy about it.

Best Buy or Worst Buy

I bought a computer two years ago from Best Buy, with a 3-year warranty (because we had bad experience in the past where the warranty saved our ass). HP with Media Center. The intention was to be able to view TV on it and record directly to a DVD from the computer. Somehow I managed to live with this computer without it ever functioning the way it was supposed to. It would constantly lock up and annoy the hell out of me and my husband.

Less than a year after we bought it we took it back to Best Buy and told them to fix it.

$58 later they told us it was software related and we need to reformat the hard drive. I had a ton of information on my computer (all those porn movies and hot email exchanges with my boyfriends), so I took it back and didn't let them do it. I was told that if I do it and the problem persists, I can bring the computer back within 90 days and they will refund me.

A year later (does anyone want lessons in procrastination? I have a special deal) we took the computer back to Best Buy. That was this past weekend.

As we walked towards the entrance we saw this very old man walking slowly and getting into the store. I told my husband, "What do you suppose he's here for?" My husband thought it just as odd and said "MP3 player for his walker."

So we got to the service department and started the hardware diagnostics on my computer. That's when very-old-man comes accompanied by a VERY young lady working at Best Buy. Very-young-lady turns to a fellow employee in what was clearly an attempt to help the very-old-man in his quest, "Hey, do you know what QuatroPro is?" Turns out very-old-man has some stuff in QuatroPro that he'd like to open up and the young lady didn't know whether Excel would help him with that.

After a ten minute hardware diagnostic it was obvious the hardware was not the problem with my computer. So the guy asked me if I can wait half hour while he runs the more detailed diagnostic. TWO FUCKING HOURS LATER....when I was already past livid because he had wasted my entire afternoon when I wanted to go check up on houses, he tells me - "it's not a hardware problem, it's the operating system. It'll cost you $128, because your warranty doesn't cover software."

I just about blew a gasket at this point and demanded to talk to the manager, who turned out to be very-young-lady. I just rolled up my eyes and dealt with her. I told her it makes no sense to pay a 3 year warranty for something that is not covered. I bought a computer at Best Buy, it never functioned the way it was supposed to - it's THEIR responsibility to fix it or give me an alternate that works! I was just absolutely furious with her over this damn "warranty doesn't cover operating system." The freaking operating system came with the computer! I don't even have a CD for it. HP sells its computers that way.

Anyway, I gave in and signed the paperwork to pay $128. I told them how to duplicate the problem. They had to wait for the following day to do it.

The following day I called in the evening and spoke to whoever answered my call and said I'm calling about the stuttering audio computer. The guy immediately knew who I was (we never met) and sounded all morbid and sad as he broke the "bad news" - "I'm afraid that after we duplicated your problem we believe it's the processor." I don't think he's ever had someone laugh at this type of news before. I told him, "you're kidding me? That's awesome news!!! Thank you SO MUCH!" He was just totally baffled by my reaction, so I tried to explain it slowly, "You see, if it's hardware it's covered by the warranty and I don't have to pay you freaking $128 for you to tell me there's nothing you can do to fix it, like you guys did last year."

So now I don't have a computer for two weeks til they change the processor. Now if only someone could explain to me why it should take two weeks?!

Anyway, no photos or videos til I get my computer back.

The Mt Vernon Video

mtrain, try this link. Click here.

Oral Presentation (cont.)

Thanks again, Peter!

Mount Vernon's Grand Opening - The Videos

I attended the Grand Opening ceremony of Mt. Vernon's new Ford Orientation Center and Donald W. Reynolds Museum and Education Center on Friday, Oct. 27th, 2006.

I bring to you a few of the videos I recorded on my small camera during the ceremony.

I apologise for the quality and for not recording the entire speech by David McCullough, but my hand was getting tired from holding it up above everyone's heads. I thouroughly enjoyed his speech, where he spoke ardently about the value of a good education and about bringing back a system where teachers don't just get a general degree in education, but they actually master a particular field, such as history so they are better equipped to teach it. He got a huge round of applause for this comment.

When you watch this video listen carefully when the second company shoot their rifles. Keep in mind, that this was the grand opening day, so the general public was also roaming the grounds at Mt. Vernon, and there were hundreds of kids around the area (just not in the area of the official ceremony, since that was by special invitation). Immediately after the guns go off, you'll hear kids screaming in the distance, and then...you'll hear the dignitaries at the ceremony laughing!

A discussion with my friend

My best friend called me asking for a ride to our company event tomorrow. My best friend and his wife have been our friends for 14 years. We met in college (before they got married) when they were a year ahead of me. When they got their degrees they began working at the company where I work today. His wife had a lot to do with my getting hired into this company. Here's how the conversation went with him:

Mybrid's Friend: "Can I get a ride with you on Friday morning?"
Mybrid: "Sure. On one condition."
MF: "What's that?"
Mybrid: "You drive, and I practice on you my presentation for class."
MF: "???"
Mybrid: "I'm going to give you an oral presentation."
MF to his wife: "You hear that? She's going to give me an Oral Presentation!"
[Wife making shocking sounds in background and gets on the phone]
Mybrid: "Well, if you're so concerned, I can come on over now and give you both an Oral Presentation."
MF's wife: "EWWWWW!"

The rest of the conversation just went downhill.

Now I need to figure out how to keep a straight face tomorrow in class.