Fighting to stay above water
I've been sinking for quite some time now and have been trying to breathe through a snorkel without swallowing the water. Somehow when I reached five feet under I realised the snorkel isn't doing it for me anymore. A lifeline would be nice. A floatation device would be good. But no one would know I need it if I don't ask for it.
I have a husband. I have friends. I have family. I have a dog. But what if I don't feel like talking to them? What if I don't feel like reaching out for help? What if I don't want to hear all those pep talks - "it'll be better" or "you should do this or that"? No one will understand what I'm going through. Well, that's not entirely true. My mom would. But she would only understand. She wouldn't be able to help. No one can.
I have an appointment tomorrow with a surgeon. I already know what question I'll have to deal with. I've been putting it off for five years. Back then I told the surgeon "Absolutely not! If I can avoid this surgery for another five years then I've gained five years of happiness. I may get hit by a bus in the next five years, but at least I'll die happy." August 2006 marked the five year point. I wasn't hit by a bus (dog damn it!).
I can't deal with the thought of this surgery. I get suicidal every time I think of it. The only way I see myself going through it is if I have no choice, I'm unconscious and my husband has to make the decision. But the problem is that before I get unconscious - I'm suffering.
I want to believe that everything will be all right tomorrow. I want to believe the surgeon will never bring it up. I want to imagine that they find the source of my problems and it's nothing to do with my disease. I want to live in denial, for just 16 more hours.
Tomorrow I'll deal with the news. On my own. Because no one will ever understand what I'm going through.
I've tried to keep writing positive posts lately. I've tried to just write stupid stuff about my very boring daily life. Maybe I'll delete this post after I post it. But for now, it's staying. Nothing anyone can do to help me, but at least I feel better about posting what I feel right now.
I have a husband. I have friends. I have family. I have a dog. But what if I don't feel like talking to them? What if I don't feel like reaching out for help? What if I don't want to hear all those pep talks - "it'll be better" or "you should do this or that"? No one will understand what I'm going through. Well, that's not entirely true. My mom would. But she would only understand. She wouldn't be able to help. No one can.
I have an appointment tomorrow with a surgeon. I already know what question I'll have to deal with. I've been putting it off for five years. Back then I told the surgeon "Absolutely not! If I can avoid this surgery for another five years then I've gained five years of happiness. I may get hit by a bus in the next five years, but at least I'll die happy." August 2006 marked the five year point. I wasn't hit by a bus (dog damn it!).
I can't deal with the thought of this surgery. I get suicidal every time I think of it. The only way I see myself going through it is if I have no choice, I'm unconscious and my husband has to make the decision. But the problem is that before I get unconscious - I'm suffering.
I want to believe that everything will be all right tomorrow. I want to believe the surgeon will never bring it up. I want to imagine that they find the source of my problems and it's nothing to do with my disease. I want to live in denial, for just 16 more hours.
Tomorrow I'll deal with the news. On my own. Because no one will ever understand what I'm going through.
I've tried to keep writing positive posts lately. I've tried to just write stupid stuff about my very boring daily life. Maybe I'll delete this post after I post it. But for now, it's staying. Nothing anyone can do to help me, but at least I feel better about posting what I feel right now.
posted at
11/27/2006 09:37:00 PM
