Is no news good news?

Two doctor appointments yesterday concluded with referrals to three tests and three surgical procedures-in-one. They ruled out the simple reasons for my suffering (no surprise there) and now I'm left yet again with the lengthy process of figuring out what my problem is now and what is the best approach to treat it. Last time I started this path I ended up seeing an Oncologist at Johns Hopkins once every six weeks for a year because they suspected cancer. Sometimes I really wish it was cancer because at least the treatment for it is known and there's an end to it.

I hate living in the unknown. I hate waiting for results of tests. I hate taking time off work for all these tests, doctor visits and surgeries. I hate having to find time to make phone calls to doctors, billing offices, radiology centers, and insurance companies. I hate all the thinking and planning involved in coordinating different appointments and picking up the results. It's a frustrating process just to communicate with administrators about what shouldn't take so much effort, but thanks to the HIPPA laws takes an Act of God to get my own paperwork faxed to me.

I'm trying to push away any negative thoughts about the surgery (I am actually thrilled it's not the type of surgery that makes me suicidal). The surgeon did warn me about the risk involved in this surgery, and I asked him how many times he's caused it. He admitted to one time in his entire career. I told him I can live with that statistics. Literally. Only a couple of weeks ago someone who went through a similar procedure in the hospital where I typically go in Israel, died as a result of the procedure. Some patients suspect it's actually my own doctor who caused it. I've been defending her on message boards because I just don't feel it's right to blame doctors for what was not done purposefully or as a result of neglect. Surgeries do involve risks. Our bodies are not all the same and they're extremely delicate for all those surgical instruments.

So my time now is going to be 24/7 about my health, which means it's going to be very difficult to come up with something to write in my blog that doesn't relate to health. I really wanted to avoid using this blog for my whining and self-pity party. But when it's on my mind all the time, it's difficult to think of anything else. I'm not looking for supportive comments. Not looking for pity. Not looking for anyone feeling sorry for me. I just need to vent because sometimes life sucks. I know eventually I'll come out of this and it's a matter of time.